icourtland!

once again it has been a while since we last met up. sometimes time will pass in ways that we do not expect it to, sometimes much too fast and at others slower than anything has a right to. days that last for minutes, and days that last for, well days. and some, or most of the days, are spent in a daze.

Sonoma week-end
this last week-end the “dinner club” group went for a mini-vacation up to Sonoma for a little rest and a lot of wine. although i had a pretty good time, i was for the lasck of a better term “jet lagged” most of the trip. i’m in another one of those fun insomnia periods and just had so little energy. we had what was reffered to as a “rent-a-behemoth” vehicle for the drive up, and anyone that spent more than an hour in the BACK seat was not well for long. hats off to Heather as she was able to put up with it longer than anyone else.

we stayed in a sweet little B&B for the night. the owners were a bit … odd. super nice and all, but strangely applogetic about most of everything. makes me wonder if they had missed having children and were in some way attempting to make up for it by having “family get-togethers” all the time. scones were nice though.

the fall off for me was the complete inability to sleep in their house. made Sunday really really hard for me. i was pretty much unable to expend any extra energy other than standing at some points. still had a good time…

new gym
about a month and a half ago, K and i gave up going to the local 24 and started going to Gold’s Gym. the 24 was/is just too small and uncared for by their staff, and was getting to be a problem to go to. the Gold’s is a lot better in some respects, a good staff, better and more plentiful equipment and about double the open space. it is also a lot hotter (temperature wise) and definitly has that “fresh gym scent” going. it is also a lot more intense in general.

K loves that. me – not so much.

i feel so out of place there, much like i did in high school in PE class. more than ever like the “picked-last fat kid” i used to be, and in some ways still am. i am getting used to going there, but still far from comfortable. so many people that have been working out since the day after they were born, and so few that look like me. no average guys at all it seems. pretty much leave feeling quite depressed every day we go. makes for a slow and quiet walk home. and makes each call of the alarm clock at 6:30am a lot harder to deal with.

comic books
so i found a way to digitally restore my lost collection! at the expense of my internet bandwidth for a while, but so worth it. i finally found a site dedicated to comic book scans a week or so ago and i am in the process of rebuilding my collection. so cool to be able to sit and read books i have thought lost to me. going to take some time, but storage is going to be a hell of a lot easier!

passport!!
pictures taken – and i didn’t hate them – appointment made at the Post Office. the official guy there went through it all, and the applications are on the way to the state department. so in a few weeks both M and i will have passports! whoo hoo – the ability to go someplace. no if i only liked to travel…

in general
not quite sure what is going on, may be the weather or the time of the year. i seem to be in a perpetual state of profound sadness. no idea why.

no matter what i am doing or who i am with i feel isolated and alone, like i shouldn’t be there or that i am in the way. mostly like i don’t belong. feeling more and more like a shadow compared to all the bright lights around me. energy levels are low, sleep seems nigh impossible at times, contantly hungry but with no appitite for anything. sometimes on the edge of tears, and over nothing – no reason at all.

seems to be a fog inside me, all my perceptions like looking through a mist, all my feelings and thoughts cloaked in a white cloud that blurs and distorts all reason. sometimes clear and sometimes opaque, little bits of light peeking through. you can almost see and feel the things around you, but the fog distorts the closeness. things right next to you seem miles away, and things far seem like they are close enough to touch, only to evade your grasp at you reach for them.

so once again i tend to curl up inside myself – willing the feeling to pass, forcing myself to keep moving.

no other alternative really…