icourtland!

sometime last week i got a very nice and supportive mail from Beth about the pretty major posting i had that week. she was mainly pointing out what i sometimes just can not seem to see myself since i am pretty close to the source.

some things i needed to see – again – for me to start to really pay attention. she was nice enough to allow me to post what she sent over to me. my reply follows after.

————————————
> From: Bethany Huey
> Date: Wed, 3 Nov 2004 03:01:25 -0800
> Subject: blog entry
>
> Hey there,
> So I was reading your blog, about the fog and the sadness and the
> disconnection. And those are all signs of clinical depression. I
> finally chose to medicate against my depression last year. It was a
> really hard choice. I had to wrestle with my ego (“I can fix it.”),
> and my general dislike of medication (more ego). And the first thing
> that depression takes away from me is my motivation. It was super hard
> to care enough about myself to talk to the doctor and get the damn
> drugs.
>
> But I did, and it has made a profound difference. I feel more like me,
> and like the color has returned to my world. (Depression to me feels
> like all of the world fading to black and white).
>
> Have you thought about medicating? You write “no other alternative
> really…” Maybe there is.
>
>
> Beth
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and now – my response:

Been a few days, keep meaning to reply to the below, but have been a bit caught up in things.

Basically – thanks for the support. About 5 minutes after I posted that particular missive, I went back and was about to flat out delete it. Same as you mentioned, Ego almost made me do it.

Then I thought, “you wrote it for a reason, leave it.” that was pretty hard to do. Knowing that people who “know me” but don’t “know me” will be reading something that major and self-revealing was hard to let myself do. Even harder was knowing that someone like Marcus would be reading it as well.

Lots and lots going on in my head these days.

Part of the whole therapy issue for me is that TO ME this is how it has always been. You talk about “feeling more like me” and I have to look and then think to myself – but this IS me, this is how “feeling like me” has been for as long as I can remember. So yeah, clinical depression is pretty darn obvious at that point.

Takes an outside voice sometimes.

Another BIG point for me was that I never have though that my problems and thought were “big enough” for me to need to see someone about. Most of the folks that I know that are in therapy (oh let me see – like EVERYONE that I know these days) are dealing with issues that are much more important and meaningful. Mine have always seemed just so small, hardly worth the effort, time and money – I’m just not worth spending all that on.

And so another pattern emerges…

And then the fear part kicks in – the actual talking in therapy – the “try this drug” then the “try that drug” that so many are dealing with. Knowing that I will have to be messing with more of my body chemistry. What joy.

I think that it is, at this point, inevitable that the therapy and the drugs will happen. I just have to beat my ego into submission and find a way to quell the fears and force myself to do it. Responding to things like this is just one more step in that direction.

So anyway – thanks again for the support – for an encouragement and a kind word. Means a lot to me.
———————————

this is going to continue – lots of very interesting conversations in my head this week. a few of the myriad voices need to be heard, or at the least written out for me to start figuring some things out.