icourtland!

i just am not sure anymore. i keep going over things that i want to put down in a journal like environment, and have things written in my head that would take weeks to actually write, little less read and make sense of. the more and more that i think about it, the less and less that i feel like sharing.

some of the things that i am feeling and want to put down, will discourage, dismay and disappoint people – well some people. if i say the things that i am feeling, the responses will be almost predicable, and will in one way or another insult some that i shouldn’t. so what do i do?

do i just continue to pretend and send out the typical “blog of no consequence” like so many others in the big wide internet world? do i post the things that are spinning out of any modicam of control in my head. do i just sit here and cry on the keyboard like so many other times and just not hit the keys with my fingers? should i even bother at all?

all of my perspectives right now are like looking through fun-house mirrors. everything is “technically” what is refelected, just distorted by thoughts that i can not seem to push away, can no longer influence. all of my life i have been the one that has had to stand strong, to be the support and have the answers – now all of that falls away. i seem no longer able to stand for myself, and i have no answers, and so many questions.

i don’t think that i have ever felt so lost in my life – and to sit here at this box and type the complete and utter dispair that flows through me just does not make any sense to me at all. i just want to run and hide in a dark place that no one will ever find me. just give in and let it take me – but to do so would be just plain giving up. some part of me, some small flicker of candle flame way off in the distance, won’t let me do that.

so i have to decide – continue this journal on-line – continue off – or continue this process is some other way…

one way or another – i have GOT to start making some changes.