icourtland!

intersesting turn of perspectives seems to be happening. little reminders seem to be pointing in the same direction. all the signs lining up to pint me where i need to be going.

i have always considered myself a “strong” person – if not in body then at least in mind and in will. most of the time i have thought to myself as “things” would happen to me that “i should be strong enough to deal with this.” or often times berated myself for “not being strong enough” to handle something when i “should be able to.” force myself through things by force of will alone.

so the subjest of “strength” keeps coming up.

Uruz both brings one to the point of change and pushes one on through the door to that change.

got a book on runes – since of all the divination tools and symbols they call to me the most – and the ONE that i can remember from many years ago is the one above – URUZ. then i read that this rune often tends to show itself as things are beginning to roll in a persons life. and nothing else in the book grabs me.

i am reading an older issue of the B.A.R. (Bay Area Reporter) – a local rag/newspaper that i had laying about because of the “just after the election” bad new headlines. sub-head across the top of the page “depressed about the election? Celebrities Greg Louganis and Chad Allen talk to men about depression.” hmmm – wonder why i hadn’t noticed that?

turning to page 5, there is the story which boils down pretty simple. the two mentioned above are at the The San Francisco LGBT Community Center giving a talk about their issues with ongoing depression and how they have manages to deal with it over the years. it was several weeks ago so i was not able to go, but the story still had some of what i needed to hear.

Chad Allen – who is still very cute after all these years according to the picture – had one thing quoted that just stopped me in my tracks. “my idea of strength was not talking about the way i feel. what i am learning is that the opposite is true.”

that one hit home.

i understand now. signs are pointing me to the moment to look at the strength to do something about the depression. the strength to look for help and let it happen. the strength to let go. that sometimes the strongest thing one can do is to admit that they are not strong, and that they need to accept the help that is offered. it is not a weakness to have the problems and the issues, it is weak to not do anything about them and let them run your life. strong is looking at those weaknesses and to be strong enough to admit to them and then to do the hard work to turn them around. strength can also be looking for ways to overcome the problems and therefore make yourself stronger.

this week M brought me a list of names suggested by his therapist. my goal is to be strong enough to overcome the fear and anxiety and to call and set up initial sessions. things have been leading me this way, it is time to look down the path and follow wher it takes me.

the journey begins… in strength.