icourtland!

the last few days have been a bit nerve wracking, and more than a little tiring. deadlines – how could it be anything else?

once again the latest issue has been deadline pushed back a week, and this seems to make all the folks on the edit staff grind to a complete halt for a few days. i guess in their mind it is an “oh – we have another week – no rush” instead of making sure that everything gets done on time without the stress rush at the last minute.

so for days on end i sit in front of this screen, waiting. not much else. since things are important to turn around to get approvals and such, i feel i need to jump when the work hits my e-mail. the extra hour here or there could make the difference in the right person seeing the file and signing of as “all ok – ready to run.”

and i love waiting so very very much.

gives me WAY too much time to think, and more time to dwell on the things that i shouldn’t be. i get bored and angry and then end up turning that inside and finding something internal to be bored and angry with. not so good. plays right into a lot of the depression issues right when i don’t need them to.

i am fighting really hard to look up, and put some things in the right places in my head. then some random weirdness will pop in and i am pretty much gone for a good part of the day. being on edge for the magazine puts me on edge for anything and everything else. i intellectualy know what is happening – it is the emotionally part that is causing the problems. the absolute irrational thoughts that are emotion driven that won’t shut up even though i KNOW that they are false information.

one thing on a good note is that all this internal dialog has let me figure a few things out. and has also raised a host of interesting questions about things in my life. if i can just figure out how to talk to someone once i get into a therapy situation i sure won’t have a lack of things to talk about.

next big project i guess…