icourtland!

this morning when the phone rang just after 9am, i knew who it was calling. i had been anticipating the call for the last few days, but knew that it was supposed to be on Thursday. not knowing is the hard part, and that was about to end as M handed me the phone and told me it was my mother.

it always starts so simple and so easy. bright smiles plastered to our faces as if the person so many miles away can see it. more anticipation as she asks me how my day is going and how i am doing – not the point of this call at all. brave voice coming through the miles upon miles of wire and air. “I’m doing fine – what about YOU? Thats why you are calling…”

not the news i wanted – maybe the news i had been preparing for but did not want to face – still the news that i needed to hear. the crack in her smile, and her voice pretty much told me all that i needed to hear.

that little spot, that dark place on the x-ray that they found last week.

then the little “slice and dice” on what that spot was – simple word that the doctors use “biopsy” – sounds a lot simpler than it is…

then came the follow-up visit after that when the doctor tells her to start making some hospital plans, and that her trip back to Germany, to the new home that she has JUST finished making for herself, is going to have to be delayed until “after.” damn.

i think i was the first person she had to tell.

and i just have no words. i don’t know how to feel. i don’t know what to do, or how to do anything that would help.

just – numb.