icourtland!

not sure the exact reason why, but for the last week or so i have been feeling even more out of place than i usually do. something in the back of my head just does not feel “right” and i have no idea why.

although sitting here in front of this screen and working, or waititng for work that should be coming in, is boring me to tears (almost literally at some times) i have no desire to get out of the house, or don’t feel like i have anywhere to go or anything to do. i have let all of the potential projects fall away, have no books that i don’t already own (and have not read anyway) that i want to look for or anything to aim for if i do get out of the house. without a goal or a purpose i just don’t feel the need to leave.

maybe it is just the pre-trip jitters. i am feeling aprehensive about the coming trip, just a little over a week away. getting on an airplane has never been something that i liked to do, and the idea of sitting in one for up to 12 hours makes me insane. i am looking forward to actually being in Amsterdam, and to a point in Berlin as well – but i am not as exited as i think i should be for such a big trip. one would think that i would be barely containable about this, but i feel ambivalent about the whole thing, like it is happening to someone else who i am happy for, but not like it is happening to me at all. maybe that will kick in when i actually start to pack.

life has become very strange for me as of late – and i know that there needs to be some changes, but i have no idea what those changes should be, how to figure out what they should be or how to start working towards them. just confused – a little sad – and adrift…