icourtland!

so i read – i understand – and i don’t know what to do

marcus mentioned that he had updated nakedelf last night after i went to bed, actually more than once. i haven’t really had the desire to hit the computer much today, so i just didn’t check it out until a few moments ago.

and i’m at a bit of a loss for words.

so many different feelings involved here, and just not sure how to sort them all out. on one hand, i feel sad that he is going through this “alone” and more sad that he didn’t come to me – or didn’t feel like he could. which of course opens a lot more feelings. am i that far away, too distant to approach – or is he trying to protect me in some way from this flood of repressed and compartmentalized emotion. how many of those jars and containers have i helped to fill over the years, and was/is there any way for me to help him empty them for good. what happened 4 years ago, where was i and why didn’t i help him through whatever it was then.

and today was a good day. felt like we did not so long ago, like this whole specter of the surgery and vertigo and the “stuff” that he has been going through was “put away” for a little while today. a well and truly fun afternoon, a good dinner with friends – and now i just don’t quite know what is going on again.

i feel mostly lost in a flood of “life” surrounding me, not sure where the shore is or if i can ever/will ever see it again. solid footing – been so long i don’t even know the concept of “solid” anymore.

and i feel so bloody stupid, vain and self-centered that through all of the trully major things that Marcus is going through, i have all of these stupid self-worth and body-image issues that seem to be so fore-front in my mind right now. i just can NOT seem to put them away, no matter how idiotic they really are. so freaking pointless any of it is in comparison. how much does it matter that i have a bit more weight on my bones than i would like, how come i can’t seem to stop obsessing about it, but can’t motivate myself to go do something about it. stupid – all of it. meaningless – all of it.

what does matter? Marcus matters – my love for him matters – when i see the love for me in his eyes, that matters. whatever happens along the way in the next few weeks, however he needs me – or needs to “go it alone” – that he knows that i do love him – that matters.