icourtland!

better to be bored than to be panicked…

done – Marcus is at this moment in recovery and i can not even see straight. this has been pretty hard, been through worse, but still hard. just keeping my mood bright and positive has taken a bit more out of me than i want to think about right now.

seeing Marcus’ mother sitting in the “prep room” area as he was lying on that gurney bed, with her hand in a near death-grip on his shoulder was almost too much. i try to make “fun and light” of it, but i SO understand. she is being very strong, but i can see/feel the fear underneath it. it would be so much easier on me if she was not here, but i have to admit that if it were my son lying there about to have surgery, i would not be anyplace else. it isn’t about me, or her, but all about Marcus.

surgery went well – less invasive than “planned” before, and not as much as a problem in the long run. benign – that was a relief. should be almost, if not completely, invisible in time.

the relief spreads through me and i notice that for the last few weeks i have been holding my breath. i want to let go and just cry out all the pain and fear held in for so long about this, but right now is not the time.

hours to go until i get to see my boy. can’t go into the recovery room due to privacy issues for all patients, i understand that, still don’t care. i want to see him right now. we have to wait until he is set into a room. bother.

so – i sit and wait some more. as above – better to be bored than to be panicked.