icourtland!

for the last week or so i have been feeling a bit more “down” than usual, a little harder to pull myself up from the darkening shade of blue in my head. could just not put a finger on the main reason.

several small ones came to mind: no “real” sleep in a while, this slice of indian summer that won’t let its grip go on the city (record high temps all week long) that has the apartment feeling like an oven all day and night, the impending move and stress associated and of course the workload of a magazine less than two weeks from deadline. shouldn’t that be enough?

the really weird thing that keeps popping in was my internal reaction over the last week when friends have been in to visit, or plans were being made for events with these or other friends. i kept feeling out of place, and to a small amount resentful. the thing is, most of the friends that we have here have all been M’s friends WAY before they were/are mine. made me really miss “my” friends, the people i call my family back in Texas.

now don’t get me wrong, it has been GREAT to see some of these people and spend time with them. that time just really made me miss spending the same kind of time with the people i love and care about more than just about anything in the world. and i also realize how long it is likely to be before i get to see them.

the whole thing came into focus at the gym this morning. i was on the stationary bike waiting for K to show up, i was early as usual, and for some reason one song (don’t even remember what it was) brought someone to mind – and then i remembered.

it was 12 years ago this week that my best friend passed away.

at least now i understand why i’ve been feeling this way. funny how much i still miss him after all this time, and how many things i think about sharing with him on those occasions that i forget that he is gone. i think he would enjoy living here in SF, and i hope that he would be happy and proud of who i am today. i just have to think that he would be, as much as i know i would be of him.

if anyone back in Texas gets around to reading this – know that you are thought about often, and that i love you and miss you like crazy.